Story originally printed in the La Crosse Tribune or online at www.lacrossetribune.com

Published - Saturday, April 26, 2008

Teen Q&A: Loving your children sometimes means being unpopular

By COLLEEN O’REILLY WIEMERSLAGE / Family columnist

Q: Our son who is 16 recently got in trouble at school for swearing at a teacher. He will not talk with us about it, so all I know is what the principal told us when he called to suspend our son for a week.

According to the principal, our son was asked to pick his head up off the desk and pay attention by his math teacher, and our son told him to “f--- off.” I don’t understand why he is suspended for a week. It will only put him further behind in school and make it more difficult to return to classes. We want our son to graduate, but this is not going to help. He does not talk to us like this as long as we don't push on him too hard. I would think teachers would understand from their training that high school boys don’t like to be told what to do. We are interested in your thoughts.

A: I reread your question because it seemed like I was missing something. I do not see your reaction to your son’s behavior. It appears to me that your main concern is graduation which is important, but I think there are other issues to address first.

Most educators know that suspension is a double-edged sword, but it is one of the only tools available to address egregious behavior. Typically, a week suspension is a big deal, and principals usually gather information from the teacher, the student and his history in making a decision. Homework should be collected so your son can continue his studies. If you were not aware of this, call the school and ask to pick it up.

You don’t say whether this is the first time your son has been in trouble or one of many. You don’t say whether there are personal issues going on with your son that would make him “check-out” in class or whether he was just being rude and disrespectful. What you do say is that he does not like to be told what to do and as parents you avoid conflict with him, so it is not surprising that your son would swear at a teacher who is doing his job by expecting your son to pay attention.

You are correct that none of us likes to be told what to do. However, a high school student should not have to be told to wake up in class. I think you need to get a handle on this pattern of avoiding conflict with your son because you are giving away all your power as parents. Teens need expectations and consequences and actually feel better when the adults in their life know what to do. At 16, your son does not know what he needs in every situation, and by not challenging him you are setting him up for a lifetime of conflicts. He needs to be taught appropriate conflict resolution, not avoidance.

Your situation is more than I can address in a column. First, set up an appointment with the school counselor to review your son’s graduation status and develop a transition plan back to school. Your son should be a part of this meeting and the decisions that are made. A suggestion would be to have the counselor do mediation between your son and the math teacher to prevent your son avoiding that class, a typical reaction from teens. I do believe your son owes the teacher an apology, and this should be part of the plan. Second, I suggest you make an appointment with a counselor to sort out why you avoid challenging your son’s behavior. This is for the two of you to learn new skills, and eventually the counselor will invite your son to participate as well. It is not too late to change what you are doing, and it is very serious for a 16-year-old to behave the way he did to his math teacher, so don’t wait for something else to happen. Loving our children does not mean that we always let them do what they want; sometimes we have to be unpopular to help them learn what they don’t understand.

Q: Our daughter, who is 15, either sleeps way too much or spends all her time running with friends and is over-the-edge crabby. I have reached the point of not knowing what to do. When I try to deal with her attitude, she yells at me and says she will run away if I don’t leave her alone. Is this just typical teen rebellion or should I be concerned?

A: It is not unusual for teens to need a lot of sleep … they are still growing and need between 8 and 10 hours each night. Spending time with friends becomes a bigger part of teens’ lives as they reach adolescence. It is not unusual for teens to be “crabby” because they are sorting out who they are in their roles as family member, student and friend.

I want to caution you that when a parents “worry” button goes off or you throw up your hands because you are overwhelmed by a teen’s behavior, then it is time to listen to yourself. I would say this is not a typical teen rebellion, and you should listen to your “worry” feelings.

Your daughter sounds like her life is out of balance for some reason. You need to consider all the possibilities. Is she sick, emotionally or physically? Does she lack self-confidence? Does she have secrets surrounding a boyfriend, alcohol or other drug use, bad grades, legal issues, etc? Is someone hurting her? Ask yourself these questions and then invite your daughter to fill in the answers. The threat of running away is powerful and needs to be challenged. She will fight you if you demand and argue. In order for you to learn about her, you must be available and patient.

Teens often do not know how to solve all their problems but feel embarrassed to ask because they do not want to seem like a babies. Your daughter needs your help in finding a balance between friends, family and school, and you need to rule out any health issues as well.

There are many good books on talking with your teens…just check out the parenting section of a book store. If you are not a reader, then watch “The Nanny” or “Dr. Phil” — because both shows demonstrate good parenting.

Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. Send questions to Wiemerslage@aol.com.