Advertisement I raised 5 children and have 11 grandkids and none of them have ever been disrespectful to my husband or me. I don’t believe we were just lucky to “get all good kids” as I have heard some folks claim. What is happening to families that we see so much of this attitude in public?
A: : I hear you … and share your anger. It is very difficult to see all this and not say something to the adult who is letting it happen. I also hear people criticizing the kids, but, as you have pointed out, “they don’t come that way.”
There are two things going on with kids and the disrespect you refer to: 1) We have parenting that is over-indulgent, and 2) we have kids who are not parented. Over-indulged kids are getting whatever it is they want, not necessarily what they need, and are in charge of the family. These kids are not learning self-control, respect for their parents or other adults, gratitude or generosity.
Children who are not parented are left to make to many decisions without an adult advising them. This type of family seems to believe that if their kids can feed and dress themselves they don’t need any parenting. These are extremes of parenting, but they produce similar results … kids who say or do whatever they want.
There are many families who are doing a great job of parenting, such as yourself and your adult children, but the badly behaved kids are noisy and visible. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write about this as it is a huge concern of mine as well.
A: : My sister has three kids, all teens, who are really brats, and I don’t like to be around them. I feel bad about this, but I can’t stand to watch how disrespectful they are to her. At family gatherings there are many times when one or all of them are telling the parents to shut up or arguing with them about what they want. Surprisingly, the kids don’t do this to other family members or me. I have talked with my sister about standing up for herself and not letting the kids’ do this and she agrees, but she continues to just take it. Her husband stands up to them more, but sometimes I feel like he thinks it’s good … like the kids are strong and assertive. I feel bad for the kids as well, that the family sees them as brats. Do you have any ideas?
A: It is amazing how many parents do not understand they have the right and power to expect their children to respect them. I can tell from your letter that this is very disturbing to you and you want to help. Keep in mind that it is very difficult for anyone to help another person parent, even when they ask for help. The parents may not understand how to change the patterns in their household.
The dynamics in your sister’s house have been building over many years. The difficulty lies in the parents not having expectations that they are both in agreement on and are executing. You indicated that it appears your brother-in-law supports the kids’ assertiveness, and if this is true your sister may feel very alone and maybe even ganged up on.
There are two things I would suggest. One is to say nothing and let it take its course. This means you have to look the other way when the kids’ behaviors are upsetting to you and try to love them anyway. Or you can meet your sister away from the house and share your concerns in a kind, respectful way. Getting her to talk about it away from the situation may allow her to share more and open the door for her to understand what she can’t see. This would be the time to suggest that she and her husband get some help with their parenting.
I have had teens yell at their parents in my office and the parents have done nothing. I tell them that I will not tolerate that kind of behavior. I ask the parents why they are allowing their child to speak to them that way. They usually respond with “I don’t know what to do.” When I ask the teens why they are yelling at their parents they say, “Because otherwise they don’t listen.” This is just the tip of the iceberg in helping a family understand their dynamics. Thank you for caring and good luck deciding whether and how to help.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions wiemerslage@aol.com.
