Story originally printed in the La Crosse Tribune or online at www.lacrossetribune.com

Published - Saturday, June 28, 2008

Teen Q&A: When are teens old enough to ...

Colleen O'Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist

By COLLEEN O’REILLY WIEMERSLAGE / Family columnist

Q: Our 17-year-old daughter is dating a 26-year-old man. He is a college student, and she will be a high school senior in the fall. My husband and I do not know what to do because we absolutely do not want her seeing him and yet we know that we are powerless to do anything about it. We have only met him once at an event, and it was very uncomfortable. Any ideas?

A: This is a very difficult situation for you and your family. Your daughter may be a mature 17-year-old and her friend may be an immature 26-year-old, but it is still a nine-year difference. They are far apart in development and life experiences. The only power you have is to invite him to your home. By spending time with him you will: 1) get to know him, 2) see how they interact, and 3) not push your daughter away. It will be important for you and your husband to keep an open mind and not display your objections. Sometimes the thrill of doing what your parents don’t want is a powerful motivator.

There aren’t any perfect answers when kids date people parents don't approve of because, as you pointed out, you can’t make her stop seeing him. You have to hope that you have helped her develop good judgment about what she needs. Give her opportunity to share her feelings about him without condemning the relationship. This keeps the door open for you to help her evaluate out loud, and it teaches her to trust her decisions. Our daughter dated a man for years that we knew was not a good match for her, and, thank goodness, it ended. It took a longer time than we wished, but the respect and confidence she gained from moving on has been wonderful to watch. Hopefully you will have the opportunity to watch this same process with your daughter.

Q. Our daughter will start high school in the fall. She is mature looking and could probably pass for much older. I don’t want her to wear tops that show cleavage, and she and her dad think I’m being old-fashioned. I also lose in the battle over too much makeup. My reasons are that she is too young and might attract attention that she won’t know what to do with. Am I really being prudish or old-fashioned, or should I stick to my guns.

A. Stick to your guns Mama ... this young woman needs to pull her top up and take some makeup off. I think your first conversation needs to be with your husband to sort out why you are on different pages and agree to present a joint front. It is important for parents not to give mixed messages. It is also disrespectful and belittling to you and usurps your power as a parent when your husband gives permission against your will in front of your daughter. You are your daughter’s female role model, and if she sees you as powerless and her Dad as the authority, she will learn to not trust or respect other women as well as herself. There are many reasons for you to take some power in this situation.

Advertising and designers do not set the morals for families ... they are all about making money. This often sends a confusing message to teens about what is normal and appropriate. Schools in the area have had to define dress codes, and the last I checked they did not allow cleavage or bare mid-riff. I believe this is a good standard to work from.

Make-up is a tougher issue. It is fun for young women to try out different looks, colors, etc. But with her at 14, I would limit daily use to blush and lip-gloss. Make an appointment at a makeup counter in a department store as a special time for the two of you to learn about good skin care. Learning how to care for her skin may satisfy the need to play with makeup.

Many high school girls are doing the skimpy clothing/more makeup routine, and it is certainly a challenge for parents to guide their teens. Special events are a time for clothing and makeup to be taken up a notch. Although here, too, it shouldn’t be the Oscars. Even the party clothes for high school girls have taken on a lot of glitz with not much fabric.

Your daughter does not have to agree with you, so don’t debate it — teens love to debate. All this does is increase frustration and create anger. You have to show her how to let it go by not engaging in the debate in the first place. As parents, you will continue to make unpopular decisions, but remember this is not a popularity contest. Teens have so many more influences than you had and believe they are more sophisticated and worldly — and in many ways they are. But making good judgments still comes down to parents teaching problem-solving and decision-making. Therefore the first order of business is for you and your husband to decide how you will accomplish this together.

Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions wiemerslage@aol.com.