Story originally printed in the La Crosse Tribune or online at www.lacrossetribune.com

Published - Saturday, July 05, 2008

Teen Q&A: Some teens face tougher challenges

By COLLEEN O’REILLY WIEMERSLAGE / Family columnist

Q: My son has Asperger’s syndrome and is in high school. He is doing very well academically but is challenged in people skills and real life experiences.

We want the best for him, which hopefully will include a career that fits his talents. We have protected him more than is probably good for him, and we want to challenge growth in his weak areas this summer. We are uncertain how to proceed and would like you to recommend some direction.

A: Asperger’s syndrome is a higher-functioning form of autism. An inability to read other people makes them vulnerable, even as adults.

You are wise to work on his people and real life experiences when he is away from the academic rigor of high school. I am sure it is a huge challenge for him to manage a high school setting, and I am glad to hear of his academic success.

These teens often lack coordination but can learn to manage household tasks both indoors and out. Your primary focus should be to expect him to be a responsible member of the family. Routine duties such emptying wastebaskets, vacuuming, mowing the lawn and washing cars may require several rounds of teaching but routine is the key. Be consistent about the time of day and day of the week. Many teens with Asperger’s syndrome also have obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and routine helps them manage better.

Social skills can be improved by expecting him to interact when other people are around and in public settings. He will learn if he is expected to speak for himself. Be patient but consistent with these efforts, as he will not attain your level of interaction. You may need to create opportunities such as calling the library to check on a book, calling a relative to just say hello, ordering for himself in a restaurant, buying things, etc. Some of the teens I have worked with continue to find difficulties in new settings. You can help your son by preparing him for what a situation will be like and having him practice with you to ease his uncertainty and anxiety.

There is a family support group at Chileda that I would recommend you join. If you haven’t already done so, check out the many excellent books at the library, bookstores and resources on the Web. I think it is important to share the information you find with your son. As a young adult, he needs to understand his challenges and that this is a neurological impairment that is not his fault. The more he understands his challenges, the better he will able to look at his talents and try to match them with the work world. One of the girls I worked with was so relieved to find there was a name for her condition and felt empowered to know other people shared her difficulties. She ended up attending a university. Challenge your son to come up with ways that he can interact with others ... make a game out of listing ways and then inventing opportunities. He is fortunate to have parents who are willing to help him improve all areas of his life.

Q: I have a 16-year old son who has a mild form of cerebral palsy. His speech is slightly delayed and his most visible challenge is a shuffling gait. High school is tough with these challenges, and he has become depressed and isolated. He will not go see someone about the depression and gets angry when we try to discuss options. My heart is so sad for my beautiful child that I don’t think I do a very good job of challenging him to move ahead. I think I protect him too much. His dad thinks we should leave him alone and he will work through it, but I am afraid he might hurt himself if we just ignore his sadness and isolation. What do you think?

A: I think both of you are right. Some degree of letting him work it out is necessary; however, it doesn’t appear that you know what is affecting him. Teens who are physically challenged definitely have a tougher time dealing with self-esteem problems. All high school kids are dealing with self-esteem issues, but they rarely understand that they are all feeling insecure.

I would call his pediatrician to talk about a check-up so you can prepare the doctor ahead of time about your concerns of isolation and depression. The doctor can make medical recommendations and set up an appointment in behavioral health as well. This removes you from the decision, and your son is more likely to participate.

I recommend that you and your husband meet with the therapist as well to learn how best to challenge and support your son. My husband grew up with physical challenges and his mother was his best advocate. She blended expectation and encouragement with a loving blanket.

Ignoring his isolation will only keep him stuck. He needs to learn coping skills and strategies to deal with his challenges. You cannot let your sorrow get in his way. When we are too sympathetic, we limit progress. We need to find the right blend of love, support and pushing ahead. This is true for all parenting but especially when children face bigger than average challenges. Teens need to learn how to manage, problem solve and trust themselves. None of us is a finished product, so I challenge you to learn some new parenting skills. You might want to borrow that loving blanket concept that my mother-in-law used.

Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions wiemerslage@aol.com.