Story originally printed in the La Crosse Tribune or online at www.lacrossetribune.com

Published - Saturday, July 12, 2008

Teen Q&A: Pay attention to your teen’s moods

By COLLEEN O’REILLY WIEMERSLAGE / Family columnist

Q: What do I do with my 14-year-old daughter who talks to me with such disrespect and anger? I am embarrassed when she criticizes and yells at me in front of her friends, but I don’t want to make a scene.

I feel like she is an angry parent judging me for not giving her what she wants. I don’t know why she is angry with me, and I don’t think she always realizes how she sounds. Am I expecting too much? Is this normal teenage behavior?

A: It is normal for teens to find fault with their parents and react negatively to our decisions. But it is not expecting too much to have her respect you. I agree that she might not realize how she sounds, but I would hope that she knows it is wrong to be so unkind.

I suggest you find a time for the two of you to talk about her angry tone of voice and criticism. I wouldn’t let her off the hook with a simple “I didn’t mean it” kind of answer. In order for her to understand how you feel you might have to reverse the roles.

Your daughter needs help learning to check her own behavior with consequences you establish and enforce. Explain the behaviors you will not allow and the consequences she will face. Decide those consequences before your meeting. I suggest she not be allowed the use of any phone, e-mail or seeing friends for the rest of the first day she messes up. She will be angry, but that’s OK. She needs to learn that you mean business and want her to respect you. If she does this in front of friends at your house, politely ask the friends to go home and enforce the consequences. If she does it in front of adult visitors, take her away from the company, remove her communication privileges and tell her she needs to go to her room for 15 minutes and that when she returns she will apologize to you. All of this needs to be clearly explained ahead of time, and then you must be consistent and follow through.

You made the decision that her poor behavior was important when you wrote and asked for advice. From the tone of your e-mail, I am guessing you have allowed her to do this to you because your self-esteem is shaky. You need to ask yourself why you let your daughter treat you with such disrespect. Would you let others treat you that way or allow others to treat her that way? Maybe there are things affecting you that are making you so vulnerable and she is attacking that. Do this for yourself as well as for your daughter. You are her role model, and you want her to learn how to appropriately stand up for herself and ask for respect. You are her most important teacher.

Q: When my husband and I decided to start a family, we agreed to have two children. Our second pregnancy resulted in twins so we now have a family of three. My main reason for wanting two was to eliminate the middle child syndrome. It hasn’t. Our oldest teen, a boy, and our younger girl fit the roles of their birth order. The other twin girl is definitely fitting the middle child personality. Our teen with the middle child personality seems less involved and uncertain of her goals or plans. How can we give her the boost she needs to help her step past the gloom she seems to be stuck in?

A: I respect your concerns and plans for birth order; however, don’t forget that each of us comes into the world with personality gifted to us from our genetic ancestors. How much of her behavior is birth order and how much is personality? The age-old question of the chicken or egg applies here.

If her behavior shows significant signs of depression, you would want her seen by a doctor. If she is just unhappy about something, then it would merit a day alone with Mom to have girl time. This often lends itself to teens opening up and sharing what’s on their mind. You will need to gently probe by identifying your observations and concerns. I would not bring up any of the birth order criteria … just deal with her behaviors.

In my experience with twins, there is definitely a leader and a follower. Being a follower is not a bad thing, as long as the twin is happy with his or her choices. Your other daughter may be so visible in her leadership that it makes the quieter teen look left out. I am guessing you are mostly concerned with her happiness and not her accomplishments.

Most of the twins I have worked with go through a separation of identity. There is much written about this if you are interested in more details. Twins have a need to feel like an individual, especially identical twins. Haircuts change, maybe even color, different clothing, maybe even different friends, etc., all in an effort to be unique and separate from the look-a-like.

Your day together is the beginning of learning clues about what she needs to get past her gloom. It is important to remember that in a sincere conversation of mutual respect you can always ask straight out “what do you need?” Coming straight at it is often appreciated by teens, even if they can’t answer right away. Give her time, and she will tell you. Help her by identifying her talents and gifts and what makes her unique. Her measure of herself might be distorted by her interpretation of her sister. It is fortunate that you are astute about her moods. Undoubtedly she will appreciate that her mother loves her and wants the best for her.

Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions wiemerslage@aol.com.