Story originally printed in the La Crosse Tribune or online at www.lacrossetribune.com

Published - Friday, August 01, 2008

Teen Q&A: Teens are affected by parents’ stress

Colleen O'Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist

By COLLEEN O’REILLY WIEMERSLAGE / Family columnist

Q: My husband is working way too much. I know he values our family, but we are not getting quality family time together.

When he does get home, he has a difficult time turning off work and relaxing. A vacation might be helpful, but he can’t be gone from work for long because of some major changes facing the company right now. I am worried about his stress level and the lack of quality family time. I don’t know what I can do to change this situation.

A: The July 9 Tribune included a story headlined “Take a vacation and you may live longer” by Drs. Kay Judge and Maxine Barish-Wreden. It is an excellent summary of what you are talking about. The bottom line was that “studies have shown that vacations help improve”our health and relationships and Americans are the worst at not using their vacation time. I suggest you read this article and even research the two doctors it was written by to see what else they might have to help your family and your husband.

The work world today is very stressful with our economy all out of whack. Everyone I know is dealing with losses and cutbacks to offset the changes in business. This is all the more reason that home has to become a sanctuary where everyone can be restored. If the home is busy and full of conflict like the work place, people do not have a way to relax and renew.

Your teens can become part of the solution. The roles they play in helping the home become harmonious and relaxed will benefit all. The following are things that all of us need to feel loved, relaxed and able to be fully present to others:

1) time to “just be” without demands as we walk in the door.

2) a visually calming environment. Clutter only intensifies our stress levels.

3) a set time for a meal together.

4) knowing what to expect (a plan for weekly events).

Time at home can feel like a vacation or the workplace depending on how our family is functioning. Look at the above list to evaluate what’s working and what’s not in your family.

Inviting your teens to share in the responsibility for the emotional environment and making dinner allows them to become partners in the process and gives quality family time as well. On occasion have them make dinner while you and your husband share some quiet time together. Making a daily habit of you and your husband spending even 10 minutes together sharing a drink and your day will go a long way toward restoring the balance you desire. Your home will be what you make it, so take the time to create what you want. It may seem like one more thing to do until you see the long-term gains.

Q: I am a very anxious person, and I am always fighting with my kids about something. They are so demanding, and I feel like I am always running them somewhere. I want to calm them and myself down but my intentions don’t ever become practice. I feel like I am teaching them to be as busy and anxious as I am, but I don’t know how to stop this cycle I am in with them.

A. It sounds like you need a vacation from your teens and the patterns you are stuck in. Is there a way for you to get away by yourself for a day and be reflective? You are the source of change, but it is difficult to create change when you are in the motion of the everyday.

Plan a day, very soon, away from everyone. Just sitting by along the river, for example, with a notebook and writing down what matters to you and what you want to be different will help you stop and change you for a day. Your anxiety is telling you something, and you need to listen to it so you can deal with it. If you discover that you can’t focus on what the anxiety is, then you might need a professional to help you sort it out. Some degree of anxiety in our lives is normal, but if you live with constant anxiety you need to talk with your doctor about services and/or medication.

Patterns that we are stuck in are a signal that we need to make some change. If we haven’t learned to listen then our bodies keep sending the message over and over, hoping we will listen and get it. We often use stimulation to avoid the need to deal with our anxiety, and all this does is increase the problem. You are right that you are teaching your kids to do the same.

If you decide on the route of professional services, then let that person guide you through a process. If the day away helps you focus and determine some possible changes, then bring this information to your family in a meeting. During this meeting, share what you want to change and invite your family to help make those changes happen. New behaviors take practice, so be patient as you make them habit.

As you work towards integrating these changes into your life, it will help to think about what your priorities are and what you want to be remembered for as a mother. Showing your humility and ability to change teaches your teens how to implement these same skills in their life. Help yourself, and you will be helping your family as well.

Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions wiemerslage@aol.com.