Advertisement We have four teens, one girl and three boys who will all be in high school this year. We are a blended family, so one of our boys is with us only one school day and every other weekend. My husband and I attend all their events, including our son who attends school in another community. We challenge you to help us get a system that will address fees, equipment and gas but mostly managing our time. Thanks for your attention to our needs.
A: You have a challenging family situation that definitely requires planning ahead. First off check out my column from last week, if you haven’t already, for the car pooling idea that a reader wrote in about. I think this would be a great opportunity for your family to create. If you have a tech-savvy kid you might suggest they set up the process to communicate with the other families you invite to join the car pool.
Second, you absolutely need two things that I have written about in previous columns: a weekly family meeting and a family calendar. The meeting should be on the weekend when all four teens can be home for a meal, meeting and calendar. You will need a large desktop calendar and 6 colors of pens. Each teen takes responsibility for their week by writing the details on the calendar with their color. Parents will use their color to mark their week, including who will be at which events for the teens. The key is that each teen be responsible for accurate information, eliminating the two of you from juggling everyone’s needs.
It is important to remember that there will be times when neither of you may be able to attend one of the kids events … they will survive and so will you. Too often as parents we expect that we have to be at everything, and the reality is that the events are for the kids, and parents are just the spectators. Give yourself the freedom to miss an event here or there. They will appreciate you that much more the next time. I know from my days of racing from work to an event of one of our kids I was often feeling very stressed and really wished I were just going home. Sometimes we are better parents when we go home and then listen as they tell us about their experience. Having dinner ready and feeling relaxed should be a choice you give yourself.
Q: My daughter will be a freshman and her dad lives 100 miles from here. He wants to be involved in her sports and music events, but high school is new to us and it seems overwhelming to think about involving him. He is agreeing to forego weekend visits during the school year in exchange for being invited and will stay at his mother’s here in town. On scheduled visit weekends he wants her to stay at his mother’s with him. Do you think this is asking too much of a freshman?
A: I think your daughter has an awesome father because he not only wants to be involved but also has already thought out how to make this work with most of the changes being on his part. His plan is accommodating and realistic.
However, two suggestions: 1) These decisions should be made with all three of you present or at least on the telephone. Not including teens in decisions affecting where they live is asking for trouble. When kids are younger these decisions are facilitated between parents, but I believe it is important to respect a teen’s life by inviting her to be a partner in decisions that affect her. Your daughter needs to be a part of the process since it affects her living arrangements. 2) Suggest that your daughter be responsible for weekly schedules and updates to her Dad through e-mail. Dad will need a copy of any seasonal schedules and he can find those on the schools Web site. This keeps you out of the manager role and should make the process less overwhelming. She is a lucky girl to have such thoughtful divorced parents.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions wiemerslage@aol.com.
