Advertisement A: If you can remember being 15, you will recall the amazing amount of energy you had, which is partly why you are tired from dealing with him. Second, it sounds as if your son is calling the shots — he is in charge (or at least he thinks he is), and when you challenge the situation, the result is an argument.
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Colleen O'Reilly Wiemerslage, family columnist |
You need to start by asking yourself why you have chosen to give your son so much power. Sometimes we are making up for something we didn’t get in our own childhood, and sometimes we don’t know how to set limits with our kids. Too often I have seen parents and teens yell and scream at each other without ever really talking about the issues. Nothing has ever been resolved during screaming matches.
You are the parent, and you have to decide what is reasonable, whether it’s activities or purchases. I suggest you and your husband have a private conversation and draw up some guidelines. Present them to your son and discuss any questions that arise. Your guidelines need to include helping out at home, time with friends and purchases. He will challenge your system, and then it will be up to you to stick to your guns and follow through. No more yelling: Calmly state your decision and say, “This is not negotiable.” If your son continues to argue, follow the plan whether it is you going to a different room or him going to his room — whatever procedure you define in your guidelines.
A family is no different than a business: Everyone needs to know what the processes are and what to expect. When you don’t have guidelines defined in your home, you leave too many options open for conflict and confusion. Your son is testing his power, and it is up to you to teach him how to use it respectfully.
But first everyone needs to be on the same page.
Q: My son and daughter are both high school students. He will be a ninth-grader and she will be a junior. They are pretty good students and are involved in some activities each season. I object to them having study halls, because in my experience they are a waste of time. My wife thinks our son should have one study hall while he is getting use to the academic rigor of high school and new activities. What do you recommend?
A: Study halls can be a waste of time unless your teens have music or voice lessons, need the time to meet with a teacher, their counselor, use a lab or have make-up work. I base my recommendation on the student’s ability, level of classes being carried, motivation and number of outside activities. It is often a good idea for freshmen to have one study hall first semester to acclimate, as your wife suggested. Call your teen’s school counselor to see what his or her take is on your question. They are in the best position to recommend what will work for your kids and their curriculum.
Q: I’ve noticed you have suggested ways for people to save money in the last few columns as they get their kids ready for school. Do you have any suggestions with regard to teens and cars? My son says he has to have a car to drive to school because all the other kids do and he doesn’t want to ride the bus. Is it true that all the kids have cars? It seems like the schools wouldn’t have enough room for all the staff and kids to park.
Between gas, insurance and the purchase price, we are talking a lot of money for him to have a car. I didn’t get a car until I had a job and could buy it myself. My parents didn’t have a lot of money so I had to pay insurance and gas, too. I don’t want to deprive my son, but I also don’t really see a need.
A: No, every student does not drive to school. The old “everyone is doing it” has been used for generations. Peer pressure is as real for parents as it is for teens. As I reread your question, it sounds like you have made up your mind … you don’t want your son to have a car. Sometimes parents just need someone else to tell them it’s OK to say no.
I think there are very few reasons a teen would need to drive to school, those reasons being things such as one-parent families in which the older kids might have to help out with transporting younger children or to get to a job that is part of a school experience. I have seen so many problems develop around teens owning vehicles that I wonder why parents agree to this commitment in the first place. There are as many problems with teens having cars as there are teens. Here are just a few to give you some idea of what can happen: 1) leaving campus for lunch with a bunch of friends and returning late to class or not returning at all. 2) Teens working one or more jobs to buy a vehicle, pay the expenses and pretty soon the jobs are more important than school. 3) Teens skipping classes to work more hours because they have a repair to pay for.
I think explaining your own experience would be a great way to discuss your answer with your son. Current economics and energy use could certainly be part of that discussion. Young people are looking for ways to be “green” and this could be your son’s explanation to his friends as to why he isn’t driving and doesn’t have a car.
Colleen O’Reilly Wiemerslage is a teacher, counselor, writer and parent of two adult children. E-mail her with questions wiemerslage@aol.com.
