The birthday party invitation felt like a new beginning to the 10-year-old after months of tension with a classmate. But those hopes sank when the verbal invitation was yanked away in front of other students with a snide "sorry."

"I thought we were starting to become friends," the girl said. "Then she said I wasn't invited."

The same classmate had bullied the 10-year-old for months.

The other girl said she'd "destroy" her, slowly drawing a finger across her own throat. As she'd eat a snack, she'd tell the 10-year-old with every bite, "This is you."

"It made me sad when she kept doing the threats," the 10-year-old said. "At least two times I was thinking about not coming (to school) because of bullying."

The 10-year-old eventually turned to her mom, who contacted her teacher.

"The core was a death threat. ... A third-grader shouldn't worry about going to school and being killed," her mother said.

The family doesn't know what steps the school took, but the two girls no longer are in the same class. While they've stopped trying to become friends, the 10-year-old said she's had no problems this year.

Momentum has been growing to do more about bullying in Wisconsin schools since the 2006 fatal shooting of Weston Schools Principal John Klang and arrest that same year of three Green Bay teens accused of plotting an attack with guns and bombs.

Eric Hainstock, the then 15-year-old student convicted of killing Klang, argued at his trial that he brought the gun to make the principal and teachers listen after being relentlessly teased in school.

Area school officials have made bullying prevention a priority this school year. They try through class activities, assemblies, guest speakers and posters to spread the message that bullying will not be tolerated and kids need to respect each other.

All Wisconsin schools will have to adopt policies banning bullying and report all bullying incidents under a bill the state Senate passed Tuesday.

The measure requires the state Department of Public Instruction create a model bullying policy schools must adopt in some form by Aug. 15, 2010.

The bullying bill was referred Thursday to the Assembly without a companion bill. Assembly Speaker Michael Sheridan, D-Janesville, has 10 days to assign it to a committee.

The state also announced earlier this month that all elementary and middle schools would receive a free anti-bullying curriculum.

A 2007 version of the curriculum has been used by 250 of the state's 426 school districts, said State Superintendent Tony Evers. The new edition includes sections on how to deal with bullying over the Internet and other technology.

Barb Nimmer, mediation and restorative services program director with the YWCA in La Crosse, said bullying prevention must be a constant effort.

"It's really a philosophy," Nimmer said. "They have to keep working on it every day, every week, every month, every year ... It takes awhile to change a behavior."

Making a safe place

Onalaska Middle School strives to be a place "where everybody belongs" -where kids can feel safe in the halls and walk to class without being bullied, Principal Roger Fruit said.

Still, he realizes that with 650 students, the problem likely can't be completely avoided.

"I think anytime throughout history, when there is more than one adolescent in a spot together, you have the potential for (bullying)."

Onalaska Middle tries to educate kids about what constitutes bullying, Fruit said. Students also learn about emotional health, he said, and seventh- and eighth-graders have a class about online protection.

West Salem Elementary School last year started IMPACT - I Am a Person Acting with Courage and Teamwork - to teach students better behavior.

School counselor Gayle Lassen said she has seen students correct disrespectful behavior in the halls simply by saying, "We don't do that here."

Students also are standing up for themselves, Lassen said.

"We can't make the world free of bullies," said kindergarten and first-grade teacher Jane Macdonald, "but we can empower the ones being bullied, and we can let them say, 'Stop.'"

The first step

The first - and possibly most important - step to combat bullying is students or parents must report it to school officials, administrators said.

"Often kids won't report because, 'If I do, it will get worse for me,'" Fruit said. "But most schools - not just OMS - know and can deal with it."

Students often fear retaliation or, in cases of cyberbullying, dread a "knee-jerk reaction" from parents such as pulling the plug on a Facebook page or taking away the cell phone, said Logan Middle School Principal Troy Harcey.

"It really makes a kid feel segregated from their peer group," said Harcey.

Administrators may not have all the answers but want to help, Harcey said. They also have access to some social networking sites and can take down comments.

"We can't extend the long arm to the law of school in some cases, but we can console and educate," said Harcey, who in a survey for his 2007 doctoral dissertation found 33 percent of students reported either being a bully or victim.

It took time for one 12-year-old La Crosse middle school student to open up about teasing that started when she gained weight in elementary school.

Suddenly, "no one wanted to be friends with the fat girl." She endured school life alone - until the day she wore a black top and white pants, and a sixth-grade classmate called her "Shamu."

"It made me feel like crap, basically," she said.

She finally told her mom, who got the school involved. But the school's response "didn't appear sincere," the 12-year-old said.

"I still don't leave my room much, because I'm afraid of getting made fun of," she said.

Finding a solution

When bullying happens, school officials often are left to mend relationships and hand out punishments.

First-time offenders in Onalaska are told to end the behavior, Fruit said - and if they or their friends say anything to the victim, it will be considered retaliation.

"That stops about 95 percent to even more," Fruit said.

A second incident means calling in parents and the others involved, plus disciplinary action.

But Nimmer worries punishment doesn't go to the root of the problem.

"We're not educating the bully," she said. "... You suspend the kid for three days and what's changed?"

Her approach brings together students, parents and school staff for a "nonconfrontational" talk. Everyone provides a view on what happened, she said.

And everyone doesn't have to walk away as friends, she said.

"Sometimes it's OK that kids don't get along," Nimmer said. "They just need to be able to figure out how to not be at each other."

While she acknowledged it doesn't work in every case, it does provide another tool for taking action against bullying.

And listening to a bullied student who didn't feel helped can sound like a missed opportunity.

One 13-year-old eighth-grader said he's been a target since he was young, both at home and at school.

He's gotten in fistfights, and describes himself as uptight and nervous, with a short temper.

"Sometimes I shake a lot. I am always shy, and I don't know what to say. I'm not really a social person," he said. "I've always been the creepy kid who no one wants to be associated with."

When something happens, he tells a teacher. But the teachers listen to the other student when he's the target, he said.

If the roles are reversed, they come down on him.

It's taught him, he said, to "never trust, hate teachers and hate school."

"I don't blame the kids," he said, "as much as the adults."

The Associated Press contributed to this story.