DUBUQUE, Iowa — Granted, it was a risk, bringing my wife and Obama activist, Kate, to be my sidekick at Donald Trump’s rally in Dubuque.
But it’s a long drive from this river city to that one, and Kate is always good company. Plus, she promised to be a model of nonpartisanship, despite being an Obama precinct captain for 44’s election and re-election.
What possibly could go wrong?
Full disclosure: I covered the rally Tuesday night as an unbiased reporter, setting aside my other hat as an unofficial candidate for the Republican nod for president.
I did ask Kate why she put a pair of scissors in her purse, a question she brushed aside with the explanation that she might do some crafts if there was a lull in the circus. I told her the scissors might not make it past security, but she shrugged and said it was a cheap pair anyway.
“Besides, I’ve got an open-carry permit,” she smiled mischievously.
Before the rally, Kate helped me interview folks queued up outside. The only time I feared she might step out of line was when a woman said she couldn’t live for even a day without Fox News.
I felt the earth move from Kate’s uncontrollably grinding teeth, and I turned to block her in case she had a mind to tackle the woman. Instead, she clenched her sweater, shredding it.
She also was good at follow-up questions, such as when one fawning fan said The Donald would get things done, and Kate couldn’t resist challenging him, asking whether Trump would do an end-around on Congress. The man insisted that the billionaire would cultivate friendships. (Tell that to Univision’s Jorge Ramos.)
After the rally, Kate vanished as I was writing, so I continued to tap the keys under the curious eye of a 10-year-old boy who wore a T-shirt depicting Obama smoking a cigarette, with the message “I suck” scrawled underneath. (That blasphemy had tempted Kate to give the little kid a shirt sandwich.)
I assumed that Kate was in the lobby, trying to lure Ann Coulter away from signing her new book for fawning fans and into the parking lot for a little blonde-on-blonde violence.
Worried, I checked the lobby and — OMG! It WAS blonde-on-blond violence. Kate had jumped onto Trump’s back and was wielding the scissors on the billionaire’s bouffant.
“I came here to get a sample of that hair, and by gawd, I’m gonna do it,” she wailed, as Trump grabbed to block her from his locks.
As Kate channeled Edward Scissorhands, six-foot strands from Trump’s comb-over-frontward-backward-and-around-the-flagpole began to wrap around her like an octopus’s tentacles.
Coulter’s eyes blazed with jealousy as she leaped toward Kate and recited the titles of some of her screeds: “This is demonic. This is how the liberal mob is endangering America. This is TREASON.”
Then Coulter unleashed the ultimate insult, uttering another book title: “If you Democrats had any brains, you would be Republicans.”
Kate abandoned all pretenses of political correctness faster than Trump does with Megyn Kelly and Rosie O’Donnell and all the other losers he has skewered.
Hands and her left foot hopelessly entangled in Trump’s hair, Kate cocked her right foot and kicked at Coulter, landing a direct hit on her Adam’s apple.
“I … always … wanted … to … do … that,” Kate gasped as security whisked Trump, with Kate clinging to his head like a flea burrowing into the hair of a Hungarian Komondor, into a limo and sped away, with me in hot pursuit and Coulter askew on the floor like a discarded set of “Pick Up Sticks.”
I caught up to them at the airport, where Trump was climbing the stairs to his plane, with Kate kicking and screaming, hopelessly snarled in his flying hair.
I still haven’t heard from Kate, although I was alarmed to see the New York Post headline Tuesday proclaiming: “The Donald’s Moby Hair Grows Feet.”
Rumor has it that, when The Donald took a shower Tuesday morning, humming, “I’m gonna wash that bimbo right outta my hair,” Kate tumbled out, fell through the drain as easily as an illegal slips through a border fence, and plunged into the New York sewer system.
Meanwhile, at The Donald’s penthouse hacienda, the story goes, a Mexican maid showed the Salvadoran butler what she had found in the shower, and he passed it to the Dominican supervisor of the immigrant help, who then displayed it to Melania, Trump’s Slovenian bride.
“Donald John Trump!” Melania reportedly screamed. “What’s this SHORT blond hair doing in the shower? And who’s this bimbo you were humming about?”