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DUBUQUE, Iowa — Granted, it was a risk, bringing my wife and Obama activist, Kate, to be my sidekick at Donald Trump’s rally in Dubuque.

But it’s a long drive from this river city to that one, and Kate is always good company. Plus, she promised to be a model of nonpartisanship, despite being an Obama precinct captain for 44’s election and re-election.

What possibly could go wrong?

Full disclosure: I covered the rally Tuesday night as an unbiased reporter, setting aside my other hat as an unofficial candidate for the Republican nod for president.

I did ask Kate why she put a pair of scissors in her purse, a question she brushed aside with the explanation that she might do some crafts if there was a lull in the circus. I told her the scissors might not make it past security, but she shrugged and said it was a cheap pair anyway.

“Besides, I’ve got an open-carry permit,” she smiled mischievously.

Before the rally, Kate helped me interview folks queued up outside. The only time I feared she might step out of line was when a woman said she couldn’t live for even a day without Fox News.

I felt the earth move from Kate’s uncontrollably grinding teeth, and I turned to block her in case she had a mind to tackle the woman. Instead, she clenched her sweater, shredding it.

She also was good at follow-up questions, such as when one fawning fan said The Donald would get things done, and Kate couldn’t resist challenging him, asking whether Trump would do an end-around on Congress. The man insisted that the billionaire would cultivate friendships. (Tell that to Univision’s Jorge Ramos.)

After the rally, Kate vanished as I was writing, so I continued to tap the keys under the curious eye of a 10-year-old boy who wore a T-shirt depicting Obama smoking a cigarette, with the message “I suck” scrawled underneath. (That blasphemy had tempted Kate to give the little kid a shirt sandwich.)

I assumed that Kate was in the lobby, trying to lure Ann Coulter away from signing her new book for fawning fans and into the parking lot for a little blonde-on-blonde violence.

Worried, I checked the lobby and — OMG! It WAS blonde-on-blond violence. Kate had jumped onto Trump’s back and was wielding the scissors on the billionaire’s bouffant.

“I came here to get a sample of that hair, and by gawd, I’m gonna do it,” she wailed, as Trump grabbed to block her from his locks.

As Kate channeled Edward Scissorhands, six-foot strands from Trump’s comb-over-frontward-backward-and-around-the-flagpole began to wrap around her like an octopus’s tentacles.

Coulter’s eyes blazed with jealousy as she leaped toward Kate and recited the titles of some of her screeds: “This is demonic. This is how the liberal mob is endangering America. This is TREASON.”

Then Coulter unleashed the ultimate insult, uttering another book title: “If you Democrats had any brains, you would be Republicans.”

Kate abandoned all pretenses of political correctness faster than Trump does with Megyn Kelly and Rosie O’Donnell and all the other losers he has skewered.

Hands and her left foot hopelessly entangled in Trump’s hair, Kate cocked her right foot and kicked at Coulter, landing a direct hit on her Adam’s apple.

“I … always … wanted … to … do … that,” Kate gasped as security whisked Trump, with Kate clinging to his head like a flea burrowing into the hair of a Hungarian Komondor, into a limo and sped away, with me in hot pursuit and Coulter askew on the floor like a discarded set of “Pick Up Sticks.”

I caught up to them at the airport, where Trump was climbing the stairs to his plane, with Kate kicking and screaming, hopelessly snarled in his flying hair.

I still haven’t heard from Kate, although I was alarmed to see the New York Post headline Tuesday proclaiming: “The Donald’s Moby Hair Grows Feet.”

Rumor has it that, when The Donald took a shower Tuesday morning, humming, “I’m gonna wash that bimbo right outta my hair,” Kate tumbled out, fell through the drain as easily as an illegal slips through a border fence, and plunged into the New York sewer system.

Meanwhile, at The Donald’s penthouse hacienda, the story goes, a Mexican maid showed the Salvadoran butler what she had found in the shower, and he passed it to the Dominican supervisor of the immigrant help, who then displayed it to Melania, Trump’s Slovenian bride.

“Donald John Trump!” Melania reportedly screamed. “What’s this SHORT blond hair doing in the shower? And who’s this bimbo you were humming about?”

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Reporter

Mike Tighe is the Tribune newsroom's senior citizen. That said, he don't get no respect from the cub reporters as he goes about his duly-appointed rounds on the health, religion and whatever-else-lands-in-his-inbox beats. Call him at 608-791-8446.

(35) comments

Cinnamon

Are you people not intelligent enough to recognize or understand satire? Some of our greatest writers have used satire to entertain people. I would give you examples, but I am certain that you wouldn't have heard of them in the caves you live in.

Mr. Tighe is a very talented writer; obviously too talented for your limited mental capacities. He does not deserve your asinine comments. I am surprised any of you actually read a newspaper. I an certain you spend your meaningless days in front of your tv's watching Fox News.

Climb out of your cave and read something that will help you understand the difference between BS and excellent writing.

You are all ignorant,

Redwall

I cancelled my subscription to the Fibune years ago; couldn't stand it anymore. I spend my money on the Financial Times and Wall Street Journal instead.

And I am disappointed the new Tribune publisher has not improved things because I would consider subscribing again if improvements were made.

Clever satire is one thing the above article does not include. It rises no further than a 2nd grade edition of Mad Magazine.

Cinn, You are obviously singularly more intelligent and better educated than any of us, as evidenced by your superior progressive outlook. How could the rest us not recognize the brilliance on display?!

Mohisican

I read this article and walked into the house furious. Not because I'm a Trump fan which I'm not, but upset at how low newspapers have fallen. Mike you have the nerve to challenge a poster with your comment about saying something positive and yet in your article you question Anne C. sex. make fun of a person's looks and then the biggest insult of all, you call yourself a journalist.

Redwall

It would appear the joke is on Mr. Tighe and his editor.

I cannot believe this article wasn't removed from the website today. To think this guy was sent on a trip to cover a candidate and he responded with this adolescent scribbling. Gotta wonder what the heck is going on at the Fibune. What kind of a bubble do these folks inhabit.

lutefisk

Garbage writing

Clarification

Time to require real names in order to post. BTW, satire articles have been a staple of journalism ever since there have been printing presses.

LooneyLeft

Lets see your name ya nasty old hag.

justbnice

“I think the big problem this country has is being politically correct.”~Donald Trump
I thik The Donald would find this quite amusing.....and he would encourage you to as well.

awol2009

It's not about "polical correctness". It's just in in unoriginal, boring and doesn't even fall under satire. Heck, The Onion wouldn't even publish this. Maybe a high-school edition IF the editor was asleep...

allcav

Lee Enterprises stock is now "trading" at $2.13 a share. That qualifies as a "penny stock."

Hespinator

I thought it was a good article . Truth and seriousness have their place, just like this article. Better to lighten up a bit and not get so rapped up in the current events.

oldhomey

Agreed

Rick Czeczok

If this is your idea of journalism start shutting down the presses, because the doors are going to be shutting right behind them......... Yikkes

HonestAbe

no kidding. I wrote better articles in high school.

HonestAbe

I bet Kate is fun to take on road trips, I love airheads that giggle a lot.

“Besides, I’ve got an open-carry permit,” she smiled mischievously. (and uneducatedly)

I'm not even party affiliated and wished Trump went 3rd party ... but he's such a hit, he doesn't have to, that way the GOP and the powers that set up the debates cannot shun him like they do every 3rd party runner. He's telling us what makes sense for AMERICA, forget his personal life ....if he wants to be a hypocrite and hire illegals, fine .... so long as he stops the influx, and does RIGHT BY AMERICA AND AMERICANS. I don't even like REPUBLICANS and their mind set ..... but Trump is taking on the establishment as a whole, calling out politicians he's personally bought even. Not too many Americans can do what he's doing. If you don't like Trump, then you're a selfish twit that wants what's best for himself, not the country. VOTE USA, VOTE TRUMP.

crank

What a horribly stupid read! If it were funny, clever or at least original... Nope, not really any of these. Why is this published as a news story and why isn't Mike wearing a dunce cap in his photo?

HonestAbe

Someone must have owed this guy a favor at the top?
Maybe they're swapping article space for commensurate pay?
Really odd

screen name

Typical of the intolerant attitudes so often shown by Democrats.

lookout

It does illustrate just how stupid all this trump news really is. It's all theater with no actual facts people can judge him on how he's going to fix this country. So far it's all talk nothing more.

justanotherscreenname

What..... what did I just read....? Was this suppose to be funny? Why was this one of the top stories? Top notch, Trib, great reporting.

Mi scusi

WTH? Waste of time reading this. Not even amusing.

Clarification

And everybody is soooooo concerned about RAMs opinion, right.

The Veteran

Clara If you do not think this article is idiotic you are an idiot!!!

Ram

That's the dumbest, most inappropriate thing I've ever read from a supposed journalist.

goeasy

I agree

awol2009

Unbelievable - and to think our subscription dollar'$ go towards paying his salary. I'm really shaking my head this morning.

Clarification

I suppose you would rather listen to a recording of selected beer f@rts for your entertainment. It's more your speed.

awol2009

Clarification, I suppose you actually record your own beer f@rts for entertainment as you would believe yours sound better than any other....

LooneyLeft

Clarification would not think hers stink.

Redwall

I cancelled my subscription in 2011.

Mr Wizard

Mike's an idiot and Kate is a psychopath.

mtighe Staff
mtighe

Hey Wiz: I normally don't respond to negative comments, because you're entitled to your opinion about me. But I have to challenge your labeling my wife a psychopath, an unfair and incredibly mean comment. I suggest that you get up each day and ask yourself, "Is there anything positive I can do today?"

awol2009

Ha, you're the one that put yourself AND your wife "out there" in this article of no redeeming value, mtighe. If the shoe fits.....

The Veteran

Hey mtighe most of us get up every day and try not to do anything too stupid it looks like you do the opposite There is another day coming may it go better for you than today for you!

Mr Wizard

Hey Mike, you depicted your wife as a nut-case, not me. If you are a journalist, why didn't you write an article about what went on in Dubuque, not what you wish would have happened. By the way, I believe a lot of people hold my opinion of you.

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