{{featured_button_text}}

WASHINGTON — There is no surer way to convince people you are going nuts than to stand in front of a crowd and announce that you are not going nuts.

“I want to be clear: I’m not going nuts,” Joe Biden declared at a campaign stop Friday as he struggled to identify the location of a speech he had just given.

Nothing is more likely to raise doubts about your mental acuity than to misidentify the state you are in. “What’s not to like about Vermont?” Biden asked on Saturday — in New Hampshire. He previously confused Burlington, Iowa, with Burlington, Vt.

And nothing will get your relatives to demand power of attorney more rapidly than misplacing a decade. “Bobby Kennedy and Dr. King had been assassinated in the ’70s, the late ’70s, when I got engaged,” Biden said last week.

Oh, God love me! What is this malarkey?

The former vice president has admitted to being a “gaffe machine.” That’s false modesty. He is the Lamborghini of gaffes.

He announced that “poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.” He located the El Paso and Dayton mass-shootings in “Houston” and “Michigan.” He recalled a visit with survivors of the 2018 Parkland shooting — before the shooting happened.

He confused “Margaret Thatcher” with Theresa May and Angela Merkel, referred to the Second Amendment as the First, tripled the number of casualties of the 1970 Kent State shooting and mixed up his campaign website with a text-message code. At the Iowa State Fair, he thundered: “We choose truth over facts!”

Less felicitously, he also joked about gay waiters, entitled millennials and his too-tactile ways — and praised a segregationist’s “civility.” Things got so bad that Biden’s neurologist offered a virtual doctor’s note, telling Politico that he’s “as sharp as he was 31 years ago.”

True. Biden has been churning out malapropisms since 1987, when he was still delivering Neil Kinnock’s speeches.

You have free articles remaining.

Become a Member

Register for more free articles.
Stay logged in to skip the surveys.

This is the man who claimed “I’ve known eight presidents, three of them intimately.” Even with such intimate knowledge, he later confided: “I’d rather be at home making love to my wife while my children are asleep.”

He proclaimed Barack Obama “the first African American in the history of the United States.” During a rally, he called attention to “a three-letter word: jobs.” He once introduced his running mate as “Barack America.”

Some say it’s unfair to draw attention to Biden when President Trump is the most mendacious politician ever. I disagree: Biden’s gaffes are to be celebrated, for they make him exciting. When he opens his mouth, nobody knows what is going to come out — least of all Biden.

Biden once said to a paralyzed man in a wheelchair: “Stand up, Chuck.” He mourned one woman (“God rest her soul”) who hadn’t died. He described Obama as “the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean.”

He disclosed that Franklin D. Roosevelt went on television in 1929, before TV existed. He predicted that if Obama were elected, “we’re going to have an international crisis.” He declared that Hillary Clinton “might have been a better pick than me” for vice president. He reported that “you cannot go to a 7-Eleven ... unless you have a slight Indian accent.” He frankly told one audience: “You all look dull as hell.”

I am so certain that Biden’s gaffes will propel him to victory that I have written him a draft acceptance speech, based on actual Bidenisms, for the Democratic convention in Milwaukee:

Hello, Memphis! Ladies, gentlemen and other genders — there are at least three! — I say: This is a big f — ing deal! I see poor kids in the arena and I see white kids. I see Grandpa Finnegan, God rest his soul!

I would not be here in Manchester accepting your nomination without the support of articulate, clean black people. And you disabled veterans — stand up! I have known you intimately.

And so I say: I would rather be making love to my wife! You are a dull audience.

Fellow Democrats, there is a 30% chance everything I do will be wrong. Bernie, Elizabeth, Kamala and the others would have been better picks than me. But I am here because of a three-letter word: TRUTH. We choose truth over facts! If elected, I promise: We will have an international crisis. Let me be clear: I am not going nuts! So go to my website number and help me. Vote for Joe America! Good night, Montgomery!

Be the first to know - Sign up for News Alerts

* I understand and agree that registration on or use of this site constitutes agreement to its user agreement and privacy policy.

Follow Dana Milbank on Twitter, @Milbank.

0
2
0
0
0

(18) comments

johnnybragatti

Trump"s the whackajob ,the White House has never seen. They just "roll' with it and "make it up as you go along." Trump just had a rather tragic and confusing week, that seems to have fried his brain ,again and again. He is assuredly closer to suicide, than any of his uneducated staff.

We should be so lucky.

Jobaba

Good old Sleepy Joe. Just a normal man from a blue collar background. A true man of the people. No lies, no false story of striking it rich the way Trump claims he did. Nope, Uncle Joe is America's favorite political leader. Conservatives have tried to jump on every fake news story about Joe. But the mud is not sticking because all Americans know in their hearts that he is basically honest and kind. He helped get Osama Bin Laden, and always advocates for what is right. He is the guy to banish the chaos caused by Trump and bring the country together. Even the right secretly admires Joe, and this is why they attack him with a passion. I have republican friends who have told me in confidentiality that they will be throwing their vote to Uncle Joe because they are tired of the lies and utter dishonesty brought to the White House by Trump. Joe is the man to bring honesty back and Make America Great Again. A scandal free Presidency with Sleepy Joe. His wife was born in America and has done no risqué modeling. Decency, the thing most missing in Trump.

DMoney

A loveable loser, through and through.

oldhomey

He has won far more elections than Trump, has he not, D? He has not gone bankrupt four times, skrewing hundreds of creditors and employees, has he, D? He did not start a fraudulent college that required him to pay out $25 million to avoid prosecution, did he D? He has not had to pay off women he abused, has he, D? His gaffes have not been intentional lies, have they, D? What sort of winners and losers do you admire? Are the sort who does not think veterans who were prisoners of war were heroes? Define for us what you see in Trump that makes him a winner.

oldhomey

D? Let's hear more about your ideas of lovable losers. Don't hide from us.

Rick Czeczok

This last story telling escapade should make even the most dedicated fan of Biden flinch. Sorry to say but age catches up to all of us at some time or other and Joe is no exception. He will never make four years as president with the stress and his bumbling.

oldhomey

Well, Ricky, Trump, who is a far more stressed out and bumbling man, also in his 70s,is till on his feet. How about we agree that both men are to prone to misspeaking and both are getting too long in the tooth so that neither of us would vote for either Trump or Biden?

Rick Czeczok

And leave it to the socialist party ideals. Can't do it, I love this country way to far to let that happen. Are you?

oldhomey

Am I what, Ricky? Keep your eye on the ball. You just whiffed this by a mile.

Jobaba

Yet Biden is not malicious. He doesn't seek to warp and twist people's minds with purposeful and outrageous falsehoods. Good old Uncle Joe! The man has spent many years on the world stage so it is understandable when a few facts turn into "alternate facts". Shouldn't bother a soul, right?

A Veteran

jobaba---Uncle Joe is fast showing he is a nut case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oldhomey

I don't find any indication that Biden is insane, A Veteran (of no known military unit), just forgetful and sloppy with his facts. On the other hand, Trump, the most dishonest human being ever to reach the White House, presents plenty of indications that clinically he might, indeed, be insane. I don;t think either of them is ideal presidential timber.

Rick Czeczok

Who do you consider the best candidate then?

oldhomey

I haven't decided yet who is the best candidate, Ricky. I know you are already behind Trump, but certainly Trump is not going to make my best candidate list. I am still trying to decide, and that may take until next summer. No hurry. We have time. Let's get this right so that we can get rid of Trump.

crank

Nope! Anyone offended? I'm sure there are a couple but they would never say so because Joe is a Democrat! [whistling]

oldhomey

Well you may not be offended, crank, but you certainly are offensive. If anybody should wonder why I would say that about you, just ask, and I will supply the details.

crank

#triggered

oldhomey

Yep.

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.