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Armed with a gift card, I looked at the latest biography of Ulysses S. Grant by Ron Chernow.

Jim Naugler

Jim Naugler

It’s easily three books in one.

The book is so big, “War and Peace” looks like a short story.

It’s so big, hauling it to the check-out counter takes two men and a dolly.

If I start reading “Grant” now, I might finish it by the presidential election…in 2032.

I bought the audiobook.

Foolishly, I had the audiobook delivered to our home. During the holiday season, there were 25 million porch thefts of packages. But this is the off-season.

Weeks after the scheduled delivery date, the audiobook never arrives. Bookstore staff confirm the book was delivered two weeks ago.

What’s infuriating is the thieves were too lazy to steal our junk mail.

Sadly, the theft is completely avoidable if the box has a bright red warning label that reads, “Caution, porch pirates. This is an audiobook of an old dead general with a drinking problem.”

“It’s full of boring facts.”

“It’s so boring, you can’t sell it on eBay without paying the buyer.”

“Worse, after 48 hours of listening, there’s a quiz.

“You’ll be asked, ‘Who’s buried in Grant’s tomb?’”

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